there are only so many ways.

last week, at the peak of my originality disenchantment, i found me. not me as in i, but me as in the impostor - jen. i stumbled upon her myspace by accident, trying to find a photo of dear wittgenstien. immediately i saw the photos of my books, the sounds of my music, the words of my poets. this poser. this liar. this jen.

get your own life.

but when i think about it, whose the impostor? she claims to be older, more educated, addicted to cats; shouldn't she be the angry one? granted, she doesn't know i exist - though i have the unbearable desire to myspace her. we presumably are from different environments and, as far as i know, from different parents. yet we are unmistably similar. how?

would it have been better had i not found this smokingcat?

i wonder how the world would have been/be different if this cyber world had always existed?

i.he.we.

i want to write in first person, but i don't know how. i want to promote the first person subjectivity, but when i write in my head, it is always third person. i dont know if i can say all that i want to say using "i."

would writing in third person diminish subjectivity? would a combination of "i" and "he" be a throwback to modernism?

alert the gaurds, twilight has entered the building.

dear me.
this is twice in one day.
earlier, i had the most horrific incident at books a million (see katherine's blog)
now, this.

what we [u. of c] is reading:
twilight.

Eclipse (The Twilight Saga, Book 3) by Stephenie Meyer

damn.
it was my haven.

art?

click.

on the road.

am i chad?

do i want to be?

nothingness.

i want to be submerged in nothingness.

saedi.

implicit racism due to environment; unversalities; symbiosis; portraits; neologism; religion; downfall of postmodernist; chaos; problems in education; cultural archetypes; with or against society - vary?; nietche - did society drive him mad, or did he drive society mad?; does suicide/madness coincide with great/innovative thinkers - does society label them as mad because it fears their ideas?; adolescent society - true?; can time not exist?; self-sustaining systems; how much does a name matter; does the fall in language result from technology - is there a fall?; (flaw in 1984) words aren't discovered, but created; is there an evolution of capitalism - where does it go; whos sets trends -why; what are the trends in different cultures; is fear of madness greater than fear of death; cost and benefits of internet/ technology; renaissance child ;will technology ruinmusic - art; are extremes truely counterbalanced; what does :) mean; recursive history; promotion

a day.

i have made myself sick.
but it has helped.
i bought a recorder.
now i can speak.
quotes have calmed me.
words.
breathe.
okay.

progress 3.

sources: kafka, chomsky, wittgenstein, doubt, rodin
see blog for further info.
purpose: i intend to evaluate the nature man and the effects of society.
research: how am i orginal? + former
reflection: this week has been quite tumultuous to say the least. i have found my ideas unorginal. great. i have a had a mental breakdown. greater. i have been saved by quotes. words. i prefer not to go into the nature of the breakdown, but needless to say i think it has helped me narrow my scope, and possibly reevaluate the type of novel i wish to write. i fear that my former idea serves as a negative prosphey of whats to come. i don't want that. excuse by brevity. arguements spoil the contention.
goals: overcome fear. dont think. do.

first.

back on. where to start?

then i read: "the last thing one discovers in composing a work is what to put first."

how is it that only he can pull me back?

a house is a house.

haunting.

wittgenstein, where art thou.

notes on the infamous.
from the shower walls:

father - tyrant, industry
homosexual
brilliant
suicidal genius
private tutors
hitler
rage, cannot be social
hot bath
intense lonesomeness
nothing to teach him
substitute father - destroy
UNDERSTAND OR DIE
demonic genius - all but out of control
say what is not
arguments spoil beauty
i don't know my way about
culture, voice, worth
no sound
belief in things
entanglement in rules
poetry - clarity
philosophy, poetry, alchemy
god cannot be sad or thought
protect his sanity
alien
die before truth
isolation
i hate daylight
same christian
tolstoy
state of terror
platonic
ww1
a kind of living death
domination
obstinate
say what is not

breakdown 1.

i can't do this.

"anxiety is the hand maiden of creativity." 1.25.09
"if you aren't in over your head, how to you know how tall you are?" 1.25.09
"immature poets imitate, mature poets steal." 1.25.09

thanks, dear eliot.

mad.

i hate the presumption of honesty, yet here is my honesty:

i am in the process of listening to a brief overview of wittgenstein. if given the opportunity to have dinner with any man, i would choose him. i am scared. this overview speaks words from my mouth. his fears, his sanity, his insecurities are mine. i think i am going mad. i think i will die before i share my work. i don't want it, everything, nothing, something. are we doomed. what if i never find my russell.

this, coming on the same day as pinker, makes me question the concept of originality. all of my ideas are frauds. they are not semi-autobiographical, new, or even innovative, they are scams of the past. i am a scam. yet the scams don't make sense; can you scam the scam?

sorry.

this all funnels into my thought cornerstones: does suicide/ madness coincide with great/innovative thinkers - does society label them as mad because it fear their ideas?

this is dark i know. but just as wittgenstein, i prefer the night.

"the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "awww!” jack kerouac
1.25.09

rodin, my man.

art. hurt by the commentary, powerful nonetheless.

parts.
repetition.
pattern.
subjectivity.

favorites:
the chapel.


narcisse.

(they had a banksy picture on the wall... success.)

pinker stinker.

so these ideas of mine (which i still need to copy from my journal...) have been stolen.

i have yet to read the full story, but according to my father the stuff of thought, by one idol - steven pinker, deals mainly with names. my names.

it has been done before.

what can i add - it seems like everything i think is UNORGINAL. yet i think them before i know they have been thought.

words. words. words.

WORDS. WORDS. WORDS.

droll on.

everyday i read freakonomics blog.

please try it. its addicting.

social revolution. [censored]

peace. love. banksy.


without words.

euro.

in euro (literally at this moment) we are learning about the reign of terror and the anti-religious movement. it worries me. i identify with many features of the cult of the supreme being, but i don't want to. although i am not religious, i just don't know if a society can function without it.

can a completely secular society exist?

damn sex. damn age.

i was thinking how much easier writing would be if i were an old, balding white man. i could talk to seemingly scary derelicts, find sensitive information, and not be a nosy teen. josh wisely pointed out that i may seem presumptuous when i begin interviewing those on the street. i don't want that. i don't want a bodygaurd. i don't want to endager myself.

i think i am going to begin at the soup kitchen, and work outwards from there. i also plan on making 'thank you' care packages.

any suggestions?

oh. and i need a tape recorder.

quotes.

"man was born free; and everywhere in chains." rousseau.

"whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent." wittgenstein.

"when i was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. then i realized god doesn't work that way, so i stole one and prayed for forgiveness."emo philips

"and they write innumerable books; being too vain and distracted for silence: seeking every one after his own elevation, and dodging his emptiness." t.s. eliot

"the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "awww!” jack kerouac

people.

do take the time. (me, not you)

mr. davis.
t.s. eliot
wittgenstein.
buddah.
camus.
orwell.
nietzsche. !!
godel.
other math suicide guy.

explaination shamsipation.

this whole explain yourself irks me. especially for a creative thesis. here is why(please don't use for anything, it was my application essay):

“At present you need to live the question.”—Rainer Maria Rilke, translated from the German by
Joan M. Burnham
Translated further by Celeste Henkelmann

Words. Words. Words. So much of communication goes beyond the use of these enigmatic symbols that try to express the ineffable. Each word consists not only of ink stains but also of a web interconnecting abstract ideas and corresponding experiences. It follows that each word comes packaged with various universal, cultural, and individual associations. Thus, as an idea passes between people, the original intent evolves with each subjective interpretation.

I find it futile to dwell on each interpreter’s intent if the work doesn’t pertain to mathematics or natural sciences; outside of this domain, the most fruitful perspective is the subjective interpretation. Interpretations, or translations, never truly represent the original intent unless both the author and interpreter tacitly assume that subjective interpretation is the goal. Communication can be defined as a type of translation, transferring ideas from one person to another.Communication, then, holds the same fallibility as translation. Joan M. Burnham has communicated one interpretation of Rainer Maria Rilke’s idea stating, “At present you need to live the question.” While the intent and subsequent translation can be argued indefinitely, each constructed meaning ultimately spawns from the individual’s own web of connections. Acknowledging the impossibility of identifying the author’s intent, I shall attempt to express, within the confines of language, my understanding of the given - yet arbitrary - thirty symbols, twenty-five letters, six words, one idea.

“At present you need” symbolizes the more mundane half of Burnham’s translations. “At present” (now) remains all we directly know and is thus somewhat redundant. While we have a notion of past and an assumption of future, we can only exist in this moment. We can only act now - “at present” - making it unnecessary, even redundant, to denote a time. Following “at present,” “you need” suggests an unambiguous universal, the likes of which sends shivers down my spine. Given the abstract nature of language, the idea that someone other than me knows what I need repulses me.

“To live the question” stands as the most interesting and seemingly contradictory part of Burnham’s translation of Rilke’s idea. I find that “to live” is synonymous with “to exist,” and “the question” remains. “The,” a seemingly innocuous article, holds the most provocative idea.“The” reigns above other articles. It doesn’t trifle in the ambiguity of ‘a’s and ‘an’s but sits on its finite, certain pedestal. I find that “the” implies a singular, definite answer. Yet next to this pillar
of certainty lies the open-ended, infinite “question.”

“Question,” interestingly, was translated instead of its antithesis: ‘answer.’ “Question” implies the yearning for knowledge without a preconceived destination. On the other hand, ‘the answer’ leaves no room for discovery or improvement; it serves as the equivalent of “the.” ‘The answer’ presupposes the possibility of omniscience; those with ‘the answer’ know the question and its intent. ‘The answer’ implies certainty, while “the question” lends itself toward ambiguity. Thus, the open-ended, infinite ambiguity circumvents the dead-end certainty.

Rilke’s ideas, Burnham’s translation, and my interpretation: each relies on its recursive antecedent. Each set of symbols has the potential to be altered directly, such as by word choice, or indirectly, by shifting connotations. Language, although necessary, remains indefinite and incomplete. What more can we do, except accept the ambiguity and live: “to live the question?” As Wittgenstein said, "Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent." To live.

So, why do I need to explain myself, when ultimately only you matter?

books. inspiration.

i need to keep a running list of inspirational books:
to read, reading, have read

1. anna karenia, tolstoy
   
2. being and time, heidigger
   
3. the glass castle,
   
4. reinventing the sacred, kauffman
   
5. metamorphosis, kafka
   
6. basic writings of nietzsche, nietzsche
   
7. 1984, orwell
   
8. hamlet, shakespeare
9. the stranger, camus
   
10. heart of darkness, conrad
    

good-bye dear journal.

i have found myself totally unispired. i blame the journal. its just not my style. it seems like i am trying to prove to others that i am working (exactly what i am opposing). i tend to talk to myself and dance ideas, not write them down on in a 4 x 8. so here it is. enjoy.

itunes, i think its love.

podcasts make the world go round. free, educational, intriguing. chomskey (my language idol) spoke on america. i love the radical of it all.

ideas:
america is the lone country founded with imperialism
lies. lies. lies.
cheer for the home team (?)
more lies.
founding fathers not so pious

i had more, but my maid washed the window (i wrote in dry erase. go figure.)

progress 2.

Sources
I have been talking and bouncing ideas off of some people this week including:
Ms. Kelsey (hoping for her to be my adviser)- gave me some books to read, such as those of Kafka and The Glass Castle, and some insight into the life of a wander
Ms. Foster- agreed to help me with the creative writing process
Josh (THANKS)- allowed me to pummel him with ideas and is helping me develop my main character
Ms. Peckman- wants me to join a writing group (possibly at LSU)

I have also been reading (both for ideas and style):
Reinventing the Sacred, Kauffman
Heart of Darkness (surprisingly inspiring, Cohen
Metamorphosis, Kafka
(plan on reading other suggestions soon, so keep them coming!)

And listening to podcasts:
Doubt - overview (I have the book and plan on reading an....)
Chomsky on America

And people watching... creepily (watch out...)

Inquiry
I am curious about the extent society affects individuals, and vice versa. I hope to explore my questions in a subjective novella which encourages others to think and question.

Research Questions
How does society define time, madness, reality, and communication as opposed to that of the individual. How does this relate to an underlying hypocrisy.

Reflection
I am so excited! I think I am still a little starry-eyed, and may not be prepared for the difficulty of transcribing my thoughts. I am also worried it may be amateur and unoriginal. I expect greatness, which is a lot to ask for. I think I have found a good volley-board for my ideas and I am ready to write.

the kidnapping.

oh nola, what would i do without thee. driving there, and back, afforded me ample opportunity to think about dear thesis. i also kidnapped josh and forced him to let me run by my ideas.

here is what i am thinking (soon to change, knowing me)
shoddy glasses, lunacy
dark is light, society
the abyss
wander w/w/o destination (want a ride?)

not much, but i hate corrupting opinions and creating preconceived notions. i want my work to speak for itself, not be translated by this forsaken bloger.

sorry.

i am also contemplating the degree of symbolism.
i have a quote on such, just let me find it.

brainstorm.

let it flow.

names = society. man anomie = no name
setting = everywhere/nowhere
resent language
middle class drop out
mad.?

no camera
not homeless

save the planet - planet's fine its the people that need saving

technology? pop culture? short stories? pictures?

some updates.

random.

i think i want to focus more locally, as opposed to a setting in russia - "write what you know."

(sparked by heart of darkness) i really enjoy the shapes/ parallelism of the literal shapes of the letters.

i really love camus, but i don't want to change my style. maybe just be inspired by the blunt irony.

doubt.

i love podcasts. i listened to this one commenting on doubt by jennifer michael hechet (hoping to actually read the book.)

it sparked some ideas and further research:
-epicurus: revisit some of his ideas
-negative doubt connotation: undeserved
-best time for doubt: adams
-cold war: fear of atheist russians ("in god we trust")
-virtuous doubt
-social experience
-role of ritual

progress 1.

Celeste Henkelmann's Progress Report One: Ideas. Ideas. Ideas.

I started a journal today; I am finding the creative thesis the most appealing. Friday, I came up with roughly forty thought provoking ideas and I honestly can't, nor want to, narrow them down into one main thesis. Thankfully, they can be looped together, at least I think, in a novel. Most ideas came from my fascination with people:

1. Societies: reactions, trends, public opinion, economics, cultures
2. Individuals: egoism, religion, language

I plan to synthesize these questions into a Camus inspired novel- simple and intriguing. Here are some rough ideas:

1. Characters: homeless man- an anomie, strong
-I would like to conduct interviews of homeless in BR
2. Setting: oppresive society - possibly Russia - not sure time
-I am traveling to Russia this summer and may be able to include
photos

Entails: many interviews, art of writing a novel, art of photographs, cultures

It is quite ambitious, which worries me. However, I am looking forward to having an excuse to pester people with some ideas that I would have otherwise never shared.